The Twilight Zone: My Shower?

When I was younger, I avoided showers at all costs—experiencing severe hormonal changes earlier than most. I had painful, persistent cystic bacne. My chest and forehead looked like a “WWII minefield” (an astute observation by Conor in 7th grade). The skin on my face was oily on the surface but severely dry underneath, causing horrible flaking and scarring. I picked at my arms and the skin on my legs lost its elasticity.

Showering became dreadful as I was forced to look at and touch the parts of my body I hated most. From my perspective, anything I do to my skin should be an attempt to “fix” it. So, I picked at it and used harsh soaps and exfoliants; every shower became an ‘everything shower.’ Not only did I begin to avoid showers because of my skin, but they simply became exhausting. When I thought of a shower, I thought of that dreadful hour-long frenzy where I shave, scratch, and scour (spoiler: the burn didn’t mean it was working) as much as possible before my mom yells at me to get out. I wasn’t even getting all the dirt off my skin most of the time. To make matters worse, after being so exhausted from the shower, I hardly ever bothered to moisturize properly. It became a vicious cycle because, of course, everything I was doing only made my skin worse.

Naturally, my attitude towards showers changed when my perception of myself changed. I came across a post saying, “I deserve a clean body.” I don’t know exactly when and why that resonated, but I couldn’t help but meditate on it. Only then did I begin to sever the harmful connection that I’d made between cleanliness and clear skin. I started showering whenever I felt I needed to be clean, which, when my insecurities weren’t clouding my judgment, ended up being 1-2 times a day. I normally shower before bed, but I shower if I sweat at night or just need a pick-me-up in the morning. If I work out in the middle of the day, I shower then, too. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to conjure the energy or make the time to shower even once, so I make sure I shower the next day.

Now I look forward to my showers. Before bed, it is a privilege to wash off the day- the dirt and negative energy- and relax into a sweet-smelling sleep. On days when this incentive isn’t enough, I remind myself of the biggest benefit (although my priorities are somewhat warped), which is my healthier skin. My habits before were destructive and hateful, and my skin reflected that. Now, when I lay my hands on my body, I try my best to be kind, loving, and nurturing, and my skin is brighter and clearer, with far fewer breakouts and less dryness. A shower provides the proper hydration my body needs to heal itself, and it doesn’t need harsh treatments to help- a simple soap and lotion (maybe oil) is more than enough.

Unfortuneately, I do struggle to shower in environments I think are dirty or otherwise uncmofortbale, like if I’m staying at someone else’s house. However, the desire to be clean is usually strong enough. But when I’m in my own space, I even couple my new shower mindset with other habits I’m trying to keep. For instance, I started washing my bedding much more often since I have sensitive skin (think: I deserve a clean place to sleep!) And where’s the sense of putting a dirty body in a clean bed? Or putting a clean body in a dirty bed? This mindset helped me keep myself accountable for sticking to my goals and helped me value my health and be kind to myself and my body despite its flaws. I still struggle with acne, dark spots, and many other totally unrelated insecurities, but when I prioritize my health in all aspects of life (eating, drinking, clothing, products, etc), or even when I don’t (it’s okay not to care about what will break you out all the time), I realize there’s only so much I can do- after all, I’m dealing with a chronic condition, for now. In the meantime, I can clean my body, eat what I want, and wear what I want because? I deserve it 🙂